Say hi to I'm fine.

I'm fine.. So -> don't worry, huns. ♥ .. ur really sweet...

Say hi to decided.

" You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away.
You know where you hope the train will take you, 

but you can't be sure. But it doesn't matter... 

Because we'll be together. "

 

[ I'm sorry. Really. I am... ]

Say hi to hello.

I just slept the whole day... When I'm sleeping I think I'm a little bit "dead", because I don't realize something in the "real world".. I'd rather live in my dreams.. Far, far away from reality. Just me & my fantasy.

My deathwish gettin' stronger & stronger.. At the moment wish I were dead... No, that's not true.
I wish I had never been born..
When I had never been born, no one would know me. No one would be worried about me.
I wouldn't left someone behind, as if I kill myself right now..

I can't kill myself.. I can't ...
Not because I'm afraid... I'm not afraid of MY own death.. but other people are..
They are afraid of the day when they hear that I've killed myself.. Some people already told me their fears...
I don't want them to feel this way....

I torture myself to make other people happy...
Somehow .. It's stupid, isn't it?
I should be selfish... But I can't... I love them too much...
But the person who I loved & always love the most is already dead..
Actually ... No one keeps me REALLY here.. Here in life...

I can't & don't want to live anymore.. But I also can't kill myself.. Paradox & stupid.



 

Say hi to my head.

I hate my thoughts. I hate them.. I think my head'll explode. it's so full of thoughts.

so full of destroying thoughts. so full of foolish thoughts. so full of ... suicidal thoughts.

But I can't do that... I can't do th... I can't... Can I... ?

My head hurts... It's so selfish.. Please, be quiet....

My head force me to think about the past.. My memory... My mother... My life....

I think about persons, that probably could miss me... But ..

Then I think of all the hurtful times with people... I think everybody is the same.

I remember my broken heart... I remember how dumb I was... Because I trusted...

I remember how cold and dead inside I was... Just because humans...

God ...

I'm so young.. I never wanted ANYTHING bad ...

So why is all this happening to ME .. ?

Also my mother... She was such a good person.. She always wanted the best for EVERYBODY..

So why she had to die? ... In such a cruel way?!

I don't get it ... I can't take it ... It's too much......

Say hi to desperated.

What's the point to continue.
really.. I'm serious. What is it?
continue to keep trying to continue? wow.

I don't know what I should do..

kill myself?
kill you?

love?
not love?

interested?
repellent?

cry for help?
stfu to myself?

drink alcohol?
drink water ... ?!

Say hi to Barbie.

 

I hate Barbie. That bitch has everything.

A perfect body. A perfect face. Perfect hair. Perfect tits.
A perfect relationship. A perfect house. Perfect friends.
A f*cking perfect life without worries.

Say hi to Prisoner.

"I know it seems so wrong,

but I'm just a lovesick criminal..."

Still one of my fav. songs by Jeffree Star (: ♥

Say hi to Beauty Killer.

I may be easy, easy to hate.
But you're so fucking easy ... Easy to break.

Tell me your secrets ... & I'll tell you my lies.
Everything is monotone in my dead eyes.

I'm a beauty killer.. ♥

Say hi to tired.

I think we're all tired of living. 

We're all tired of being ourselves.

Tired of staying, tired of trying.

tired of lying, tired of crying.

In the past, in the moment, in the future.

We all want to sleep.

Say hi to ....

Say hi to guguruguu.

 
Feeling ... Sappy.

Say hi to influence.

Oh god. <3 

Such a big influence to me.

I love his music so much.

I listen to Nirvana since I'm 7 years old & I still love it.

I still love his voice, I still love his lyrics, I still love his heartbreaking sadness, 

that you can feel in every song.

I hope he has found peace.

Say hi to hatehatehate.

 

 

Say hi to funny stuff.

 

Say hi to painkiller.

    

we're all addicted

to something

that takes away

the pain

Say hi to music.

I'm sooo addicted to music. I always want to post great songs. XD

But my whole blog would be overfilled with music.

Well ..

I totally ♥ Dubstep.

Rusko - Woo Boost ♪

Rusko - Day n Nite Dubstep Remix  ♪

Rusko -  Pro Nails ♪

... Gurrr.. It's too awesome.

Rusko is one of the best. <3

BloodFire - Psycho Gorilla (Vyron Remix) ♪

I love that sick shit so much. *__*

When you're high & listen to Dubstep.. Omg. It's certainly great. <3

Say hi to Ana.

 

I totally miss my legs ... It makes me insane. 

But even in this picture I wish they're thinner.

Everytime I look in the mirror... I wish I'm dead.

I want my old body. And then I want to lose more weight until I have my dreambody <3

I know.. I shouldn't have such thoughts. I should try to ignore Ana.

But she's (in) my life. She's the only one who understands me.

The only one who won't leave me. She's there & she will never hurt me.

She'll never lie to me.

I know.. This sounds fucking sick & weird. And well.. It IS sick. It IS weird.

But I can't help it. That's my life. My mind. My problem... My decision.

And my decision is to loose weight. Even if everyone is against it & hates me (now).

But .. What's better ...

When I feel unsatisfied with myself with this weight at the moment & want to die

or when I'm a stickfigure; but happy?

You can decide. I have already.

Say hi to Jeffree Star.

Some people call me "weird", because I love Jeffree so much. But he reminds me of my past

& everything about that. I know him for about .. 3 years now?

He was & IS my role model! He's so self-confident.

He doesn't care what other people think.

I wish I would be like him...

I often play the self-confident. In this way people don't think I'm weak.

They think I'm strong. But deep inside me I AM weak!

I hate my-fucking-self & want to die, because I think I'm unworthy.

But the most people don't know this. They call me "arrogant".

But it's better than to be seen as weak & depressed.

I'd rather be the arrogant, selfish, fierce & unkind bitch,
so people don't see my weaknesses.

Say hi to porcelain

Moby - Porcelain

Moby is a genius. I love his songs. ♥

 

Say hi to downloadable suicide.

"I want downloadable suicide"

- Marilyn Manson                 

Say hi to fears.

What I don't even own ... 

... I can't lose.

Say hi to sadness.

I only feel sadness at the moment. 

Nothing more.

Say hi to my hand.

Say hi to conversation.

- "... I love you."
- "Huh?!"

Say hi to my heart.

- - - - - - - - - - - - 

I ... Think ... I ... Ugh..

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Do we have to die for love

or do we love to die?

Say hi to life.

Wolfsheim - Kein Zurück

Everytime I hear this song ... - I cry.
It's so sad.. But true...

Say hi to luuvv & music.

Luuvvv ♥ & music ♪

Nothing, nothing, nothing more

Say hi to butterflies.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Purge. It. Out.

Say hi to ...

. . . Littleshabbyprincess

please repair her heart, her body, her memory & ... Her trust.




 

Say hi to thoughts in chaos.

My head's a mess.

Say hi to heart eater.

  

Eat your heart out.

Like you did mine.

Say hi to a little love.

Blutengel - A Little Love

Feeling like a little child
Crying out for it's mother.
I'm sitting here alone
And I miss you - So much.

The funny thing is,
I don't know who you are.

This feeling inside
Will surely kill me - Someday.
I don't know when, this feeling will go away.

I wash away my tears,
'cause I don't want nobody to see me cry.

I can't help myself,
As long as I don't know who you are.

This empty space inside my soul,

is the place for you.

But I realize in every night

It will be empty - Forever!?

I just want to feel
A little love - Someday...

Say hi to ... I don't know.

No person in this world really wants to help me.

I'm worthless. Useless. Just a piece of shit. Nothing more.

A dumb, ugly, fat vegan with an eating disorder.

I hate meat eaters. So much. Because I don't eat "normal"

the clinics doesn't want me. They know NOTHING about veganism,

but in their mind all vegans have an eating disorder.

I hate these ignorant bastards. I hope they die because of eating meat!

I'd rather die than eat or exploit beings! Their lives are more important than mine.

Now I have 3 choices..

1. Psychologist, 2. Psychiatry 

or 3 ... Death.

(Voluntarily or involuntarily...)

Isn't life wonderful? ♥

Say hi to foolish dreams.

             

I wish ... I could  turn back time. Just for one day.

I would say "Sorry" to all people, which I hurted.

I would hug my mother. Every second.

I would tell her, that I love her so, so much!

I would do everything better ...

But it's only a foolish wish of a 

sad girl.

. 

Say hi to blindness.

 

When eyes have seen too much.

 

Say hi to speechless.

Sometimes...

you just can't tell anybody how you really feel.

Not because you don't know why.
Not because you don't know your purpose.
Not because you don't trust them.

 
But because you can't find

the right words to make them 

UNDERSTAND

Say hello to self injury.

 

Yesterday was such a bad day.

Even a clinic for mental problems doesn't want me,

because I have suicidal thoughts, I cut myself, I'm depressed & vegan.

They only said "Search for another clinic!" & I had to leave.

& the best: The clinic is 2 hours & 30 minutes away!

I was so sad... My head forced me to cut myself..

I felt so .. Offend..

Cutting is brainless, I know. But It helps when I see my blood.. When I feel pain..

The sweet pain shows me, that I still have feelings, even though I feel dead sometimes.

The pain tells me: You are still alive.

Hmm...

I ask(ed) myself ... 

Can anybody love a broken girl with mutilated arms?

With mutilated fingernails? Mutilated soul & personality? 

With sick thoughts & a sick mind?

... Do you have an answer?

Say hello to love-hate relationship.

Do you know this kind of feeling?

You hate it, but ... You also love it.

I hate it to cut myself, but somehow .. I love it.

I hate Ana, but I also love her .. In a foolish way.

Isn't it strange? The whole thing is strange. The human, I mean.

We get hurt, but still we love/like this person. How stupid we are.

But everyone knows this phenomenon. Stupidity is human, I think.

We believe in the "good" in other people. Always.