Say hi to me.

Say hi to virtual tears.

Just sitting in front of my computer... Crying.

Say hi to deleted piece of life.

Chapso deleted my eating disorder-homepage. It's like they deleted a piece of myself. It was a help for me.
But now it doesn't exist anymore... Chapso, you don't even know what you've done ...

Say hi to blablabla.

Oh lord, yes. I'm so heartless. I'm so egocentric.
I'm such a bad person... Shut the fuck up.
I think you don't know what you do to me with your sentences.
But well, it's okay. You don't even think about your faults.
& there were MANY faults. It was better for me to go.
& for you, too. My eating disorder will never stop.
My depressions will never stop, because it already happen too much.
When you talk about suffering I only can laugh. 
A broken heart has nothing to do with that, what I have gone through & will go through.
But you don't think about this. 
You just opened also a blog (but not anonymous like me. Although you said to me in the past that it's unfair because I don't talk with you, but with other people. But I don't post this crap on FACEBOOK! Almost no one knows my blog here! You're just like Lisa with her cutting pics! -.-) & you write about me how heartless I am.
Please, shut the fuck up & live in ur fucking Disneyworld. 
But without me. I'm realistic.

Say hi to fake-world.

"Disney" doesn't exist.

There will always be war. 

There will always be hate.

There will always be pain. Wake up.

Say hi to hfkffsksfhuisfufhuhvbuv.

Oh, please... SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Thanks.


In love,
the egocentric, heartless bitch. <3

Say hi to SMILEEEEEEEEEE

Just smile.

Say hi to fucked up humanity.

I'm so sick of humans. Oh Lucifer, please burn them from inside out. Show me that justice is still alive. Be my avenger. Let them pay for their ignorance & insensitivity. Let these fucking murderers & liars just live in suffering & fear! Burn the churches down, the slaughter houses, the labs, the white house! Let all the people pay for their lies. For their blood on their hands. For their avarice. For their control-plans about us. Just for EVERYTHING bad they done & will do.
You are my last hope for a better world, Lucifer...

Say hi to funny.

Some people sigh "I'm suffering..." but they don't even know what it means to suffer. I think it's funny. I have to laugh at them, I just can NOT take this childish bullshit serious.. A broken heart has nothing to do with "suffering". Love comes, love goes. Also a bad test doesn't mean you're fucking suffering! You suffer when you think about death. You suffer when you're not happy anymore & there's no way out from this depression. You suffer when you see your mother getting eaten out from cancer & later see her slowly dying. You suffer when you can't eat for weeks, just because you're scared about calories. You suffer when you have voices in your head. You suffer when you lost people because of an accident. You suffer when you have a serious illness, like cancer. You suffer when you hate yourself. When you hurt yourself & when you use everything to destroy yourself. You fucking suffer when you don't have money anymore & have to live on the street. When you don't have a family, ...
But not because of this childish shit like some people.


Wake up, dry your tears & live! You only live once. Take your life, when you can. But don't throw your life away just because you think you're "suffering". Be happy, be glad about the fact that you are ALIVE & still have a little bit of hope!

Say hi to blahblahblah.

I don't cry for help, my dear. & do you know why? - Because I don't want help!
You don't know me. You don't know my mind; although I write many things here in my blog.
But you shouldn't think you know me then, just because you read my fucking stuff here.
Ur funny. <3

Say hi to Ana

I don't care what you all think.... 

Everyone is just another person in the world. Nothing more. Live ur fucking, disgusting life

& I live mine. I don't want to be fat like you. Maybe I'm sick in ur opinion. But do you know what?

In my opinion... ur sick. Because you're eating & eating & eating ... Disgusting. Wah.

But it's not my body. & my body isn't yours. So shut the fuck up & EAT! eat ur sentient being & drink mothermilk of cows. But I hope you die for it, fucking murders.

Haven't eaten now for a week. & it feels good <3 & I can't hurt anyone because of my starving 'cause I already left this person.

My love to Ana is just bigger than my love to a fucking human. Only my mother, animals & Ana have my heart. & it will ever be this way.

Say hi to fuck you.

I just want to be drunk & high... So I don't care about this fucked up world with those fucked up people
& their fucked up mind ... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you all. & you bastards call me "sick". look at urself.
I'd rather be sick than like you!

Say hi to fucking liars.

Ana is my first real, big love... She's better than anyone else... She always tell me the truth...
When I ask "Am I thin enough?" she will always tell me "No", because it's true. When I aks you
"Am I thin enough?", you will always tell me "Yes", because you don't want to hurt me.
Although I'm NOT thin enough! I'm NOT perfect! I'm NOT pretty yet! I'm a ugly, fat bitch!

You all are fucking liars... Look at my fucking belly... Look at my fucking fat legs...
& then aks yourself... HOW CAN YOU TELL ME THAT I AM THIN ENOUGH!?
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT TO ME WHEN YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!?
WHEN YOU SEE HOW FAT I AM!?
I hate you! I hate all of you!

Say hi to little heart.

I cried the whole evening. My eyes hurt & they're swollen.
I feel so empty.. Actually I should be "trained" in loosing people.. But it still hurts.
It feels like my wretched heart is crying & hits with its little fist against my chest.

I'm alone.. No one who can take my hand & show me that life have also good things.
I always left behind..
People want to let me go because I make mistakes. They go out of my life & I'm alone again..
On my own..
Although I'm so weak & need a hand to hold.
But whenever I have a hand to hold, they pull it back.. & I'm falling on the hard & cold floor.

But I'm the one to blame.. I opened my heart, although I know how dangerous it is.
I'm so angry.. & sad.. even ashamed.

I'll throw the keys to my heart away.. I'll bury them deep, deep within me..
So no one will find them. No one.

Say hi to newnewnew :)

      

 

haha :D

Say hi to monsters.

Say hi to dumb.

I'm feeling like a dumb piece of shit because I opened my heart again
& left my safety wall around me ... It's always the same when I do that.
I get hurt.

I will never do it again... I don't want it anymore. I hate humans.
Everyone is the same.. Monsters live in us humans & sometimes they get out.
Not yet, but someday.. for sure.

Say hi to touch.

 

Don't ever touch me again.

Say hi to blog.

I will start a new blog about dieting.
I don't want to "spam" my Thought-Blog here with calorie-counting or thinspo-posts.

The blog will be in german.
Click >>here<< to visit my blog. Enter at your own risk. It's triggering.

Say hi to dietdietdiet.

When you're easy to manipulate about eating & diets: Please don't visit my blog (anymore).

I'll post triggering blogposts about it. My posts will be about diets, starving & NOT healthy ideals.

I will write about what I eat, my goalweights & so on. So please don't read it, when ur

• in recovery/ recovered (don't be so fckng stupid like me & loose weight again. Stay healthy, it's a better choice)
• easy to manipulate
• already half dead because ur too thin. SEARCH HELP! PLEASE!

Monday I'll start my diet. Wish me luck. Or not.
 

Say hi to me.

I hate myself so much.. I hope I die.. I want to die. I want it so, so bad.. Now.

Say hi to blue hands.

My hands/fingers are blue. yuck.

Say hi to whatever.

In the past I was a Japan-addicted, crazy unicorn. I miss those old days.. It was fun.

I was in love with Miku Hatsune & kawaii-stuff.. Bright, colourful & childish clothes. 

Bows & hearts & dots ... Aww, it was just awesome.

Some old(er) pics for ya :D

      

 & one of the oldest pics... with my red hair :D

Say hi to photographing.

Sometimes I think my photos are like shit.. & sometimes people give me the feeling: It's true..

With art I have to be on my own. No one really supports me, or either believe in me.. 

And this hurts.

Art is like .. Well, my life. It means alot to me.. More than "alot".

With my photos I show my feelings. My fears, my dreams, my whole life.

& then it's like a hxc-kick in my f*cking face when no one believe in me..

& such persons I really need, because I also don't believe in my-f*cking-self..

No one understand it.. For you it's only a hobby.. For you it's only a photo.

But for me is photographing my life & my photos are mirrors into my soul.

But I think I'll quit it.. It hurts too much to see my dreams like ---> "POUWFH!"

So I'll quit it by myself. The disappointment would be too big.

When I sell my camera I will cry... XDD ..

No. Seriously. I will.

 

Say hi to love.

   Love is a word.

  Elephantshit, too..

   ... gaga uhlala.

Say hi to Kurt Cobain.

Nirvana - I hate myself and want to die

I don't know why I love Kurt Cobain & Nirvana so, so much.

Actually Kurt Cobain hated us fans.. He was afraid of us.

But I love his music & his voice. His way of thinking about love, life & death.

I'd do EVERYTHING to can go to a concert of Nirvana... Really.

Say hi to hatred.

I wanna live in my own world.
In my own world every human being is dead & I'm just like air..
I can fly. I have no fears. No emotions. No pain. Nothing.

But this world doesn't exist. I have to be dead to be in this kind of world.
I hope I can fly with my mother then.

I don't know when it's time to go. But I think it will be my own decision.

Say hi to valentine's day.

Domo Kun wishes you all a happy valentine's day. ♥

Say hi to ....

Say hi to cruel intentions.

 "Keep your friends close, 

and your enemies closer."

Cruel Intentions.

Say hi to butterfly.

Say hi to lolroflomg.

Ugh. I hate it when people say they're an artist & just make photos of plants, 

objects or people (with those dumb, boring standard poses) or draw dragons or cars.

To be an artist it's sooo much more. You need creativity & your own style. 

You need many ideas. Every day. I'm not saying I'M an artist. 

But I just hate it when people say it & they don't even are. 

& no...

Only because you own a reflex camera doesn't mean you can take good photos & you're an artist.

The ideas are in ur HEAD. 

People MAKE photos, cameras only TAKE them.

Say hi to breathing.

 Close ur eyes.

feel every breath you take. count. imagine.

feel that you're alive, although you think ur already dead.

Say hi to don't go.

 

Say hi to hero.

Say hi to .....

I go deep.

self-destruction lies pain desperation heartless longing secureness

 tears scars pills blood mindfucking alone diet helpless hate misunderstood

 humans calories death love hopeless emotions sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick

Say hi to I'm fine.

I'm fine.. So -> don't worry, huns. ♥ .. ur really sweet...

Say hi to decided.

" You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away.
You know where you hope the train will take you, 

but you can't be sure. But it doesn't matter... 

Because we'll be together. "

 

[ I'm sorry. Really. I am... ]

Say hi to hello.

I just slept the whole day... When I'm sleeping I think I'm a little bit "dead", because I don't realize something in the "real world".. I'd rather live in my dreams.. Far, far away from reality. Just me & my fantasy.

My deathwish gettin' stronger & stronger.. At the moment wish I were dead... No, that's not true.
I wish I had never been born..
When I had never been born, no one would know me. No one would be worried about me.
I wouldn't left someone behind, as if I kill myself right now..

I can't kill myself.. I can't ...
Not because I'm afraid... I'm not afraid of MY own death.. but other people are..
They are afraid of the day when they hear that I've killed myself.. Some people already told me their fears...
I don't want them to feel this way....

I torture myself to make other people happy...
Somehow .. It's stupid, isn't it?
I should be selfish... But I can't... I love them too much...
But the person who I loved & always love the most is already dead..
Actually ... No one keeps me REALLY here.. Here in life...

I can't & don't want to live anymore.. But I also can't kill myself.. Paradox & stupid.



 

Say hi to my head.

I hate my thoughts. I hate them.. I think my head'll explode. it's so full of thoughts.

so full of destroying thoughts. so full of foolish thoughts. so full of ... suicidal thoughts.

But I can't do that... I can't do th... I can't... Can I... ?

My head hurts... It's so selfish.. Please, be quiet....

My head force me to think about the past.. My memory... My mother... My life....

I think about persons, that probably could miss me... But ..

Then I think of all the hurtful times with people... I think everybody is the same.

I remember my broken heart... I remember how dumb I was... Because I trusted...

I remember how cold and dead inside I was... Just because humans...

God ...

I'm so young.. I never wanted ANYTHING bad ...

So why is all this happening to ME .. ?

Also my mother... She was such a good person.. She always wanted the best for EVERYBODY..

So why she had to die? ... In such a cruel way?!

I don't get it ... I can't take it ... It's too much......

Say hi to desperated.

What's the point to continue.
really.. I'm serious. What is it?
continue to keep trying to continue? wow.

I don't know what I should do..

kill myself?
kill you?

love?
not love?

interested?
repellent?

cry for help?
stfu to myself?

drink alcohol?
drink water ... ?!

Say hi to Barbie.

 

I hate Barbie. That bitch has everything.

A perfect body. A perfect face. Perfect hair. Perfect tits.
A perfect relationship. A perfect house. Perfect friends.
A f*cking perfect life without worries.

Say hi to Prisoner.

"I know it seems so wrong,

but I'm just a lovesick criminal..."

Still one of my fav. songs by Jeffree Star (: ♥

Say hi to Beauty Killer.

I may be easy, easy to hate.
But you're so fucking easy ... Easy to break.

Tell me your secrets ... & I'll tell you my lies.
Everything is monotone in my dead eyes.

I'm a beauty killer.. ♥

Say hi to tired.

I think we're all tired of living. 

We're all tired of being ourselves.

Tired of staying, tired of trying.

tired of lying, tired of crying.

In the past, in the moment, in the future.

We all want to sleep.

Say hi to ....

Say hi to guguruguu.

 
Feeling ... Sappy.

Say hi to influence.

Oh god. <3 

Such a big influence to me.

I love his music so much.

I listen to Nirvana since I'm 7 years old & I still love it.

I still love his voice, I still love his lyrics, I still love his heartbreaking sadness, 

that you can feel in every song.

I hope he has found peace.

Say hi to hatehatehate.

 

 

Say hi to funny stuff.

 

Say hi to painkiller.

    

we're all addicted

to something

that takes away

the pain

Say hi to music.

I'm sooo addicted to music. I always want to post great songs. XD

But my whole blog would be overfilled with music.

Well ..

I totally ♥ Dubstep.

Rusko - Woo Boost ♪

Rusko - Day n Nite Dubstep Remix  ♪

Rusko -  Pro Nails ♪

... Gurrr.. It's too awesome.

Rusko is one of the best. <3

BloodFire - Psycho Gorilla (Vyron Remix) ♪

I love that sick shit so much. *__*

When you're high & listen to Dubstep.. Omg. It's certainly great. <3

Say hi to Ana.

 

I totally miss my legs ... It makes me insane. 

But even in this picture I wish they're thinner.

Everytime I look in the mirror... I wish I'm dead.

I want my old body. And then I want to lose more weight until I have my dreambody <3

I know.. I shouldn't have such thoughts. I should try to ignore Ana.

But she's (in) my life. She's the only one who understands me.

The only one who won't leave me. She's there & she will never hurt me.

She'll never lie to me.

I know.. This sounds fucking sick & weird. And well.. It IS sick. It IS weird.

But I can't help it. That's my life. My mind. My problem... My decision.

And my decision is to loose weight. Even if everyone is against it & hates me (now).

But .. What's better ...

When I feel unsatisfied with myself with this weight at the moment & want to die

or when I'm a stickfigure; but happy?

You can decide. I have already.

Say hi to Jeffree Star.

Some people call me "weird", because I love Jeffree so much. But he reminds me of my past

& everything about that. I know him for about .. 3 years now?

He was & IS my role model! He's so self-confident.

He doesn't care what other people think.

I wish I would be like him...

I often play the self-confident. In this way people don't think I'm weak.

They think I'm strong. But deep inside me I AM weak!

I hate my-fucking-self & want to die, because I think I'm unworthy.

But the most people don't know this. They call me "arrogant".

But it's better than to be seen as weak & depressed.

I'd rather be the arrogant, selfish, fierce & unkind bitch,
so people don't see my weaknesses.

Say hi to porcelain

Moby - Porcelain

Moby is a genius. I love his songs. ♥

 

Say hi to downloadable suicide.

"I want downloadable suicide"

- Marilyn Manson                 

Say hi to fears.

What I don't even own ... 

... I can't lose.

Say hi to sadness.

I only feel sadness at the moment. 

Nothing more.

Say hi to my hand.

Say hi to conversation.

- "... I love you."
- "Huh?!"